Dusky Lavender
by Natalie Essery
Summary: The loss of innocence, the gain of adulthood, and the middle ground that sits right in between.


My hair was kind of blowing in my face, and I was nervous because she kept calling me Lucy even though she knew it wasn't my name. She started the car up and shoved a cigarette in her mouth, she was the kind of casual girl you saw who did all sorts of drugs and, if she did care what people thought of her, she certainly didn't show it. The cigarette dangled from her lip for a moment as she grabbed her lighter. She lit it, looking down so I could look at the tops of her eyelashes for a brief moment. She took the first drag and handed it to me as she threw the car in reverse, backing out of the shoddy street across from school.

"You'd make a cute Lucy, you know." She thought for a moment. "Lucy. Do you know how to take a drag?"

I kept my eyes wide open – I was always being told my eyes were real big – and I knew she'd realize that meant no. The cigarette was held between my fingers like all those sexy women from the old movies.

"Well, just breathe in."

I did. She laughed, told me to try again, to suck in harder and harder and expand my lungs, like taking a deep breath after running somewhere. I did.

I only live about a mile away from school, I really could walk, but I just hate it. Walking is embarrassing, it really is. People honk and scream out their windows at you, no matter how pretty you are. And I may not be popular, but I'm not one of those losers making up excuses for getting yelled at out the windows of people's cars.

On the mile away from school, we went through two cigarettes. I was feeling really relaxed, my whole body reacting to the poison pumping through it. Probably the most relaxed I'd been in the whole last week with everything going on with him, after all.

She was driving up my cul-de-sac, my whole body in this newfound stupidity of muscle relaxation.

"Are you feeling anything? First cigarettes are the best, dude. Seriously. They're the best. Don't even worry about it, _Lucy_." She laughed a quick fake laugh, real loud, a swift 'ha-ha,' and stopped in front of my house.

I grabbed the door handle, it took a lot more work than it ever had before, sort of like when you're real tired and you don't have the energy to do a single thing. I got out of the car and she slowly pulled away, even before I closed the door. As I walked up the driveway, I knew I was going to start being different, maybe be more like her, maybe, just maybe.

Usually I eat once I'm home from school, not because I like to snack, but because I don't eat breakfast or lunch due to lack of time and money. Today was different, I set my bright yellow bag – yellow is my favorite color – on the dining room table and walked slowly upstairs, my eyes wide as ever.

Now, we've got a lot of mirrors in the house, not just little decorative mirrors but big, full-length mirrors. And as I walked up the stairs, I started to come in to view in the mirror, first my head, my chest, legs, feet. Once I saw my feet, I stopped and stared at them, leaning closer and closer to the mirror until my bangs touched the mirror, and finally my head rested right up on that mirror. I'm glad no one saw me, because I must have looked like a real idiot, standing straight up except for a bend right at my middle, my head leaning against the mirror and my eyes closed like that. I must have stood there for a few minutes before moping over to my room.

My room isn't usually all that great looking, clothes strung all over the floor, bed undone and the table covered in junk. I felt real stupid, but I grabbed this gross lavender spray and sprayed myself with it. I didn't want to smell like smoke whenever my mom came home, but I really hate that hypoallergenic lavender smell. I like real lavender though.

I've got about six million memories right in my head about the most pointless stuff you can think of, and one of them is about lavender. You see, back when my parents were married and I was real young, we had a huge house with a huge backyard and a big hot tub. We didn't have a lot of grass, but we did have a lot of plants. And one of them was a lavender plant. It's always been my mom's favorite smell. She just loves the smell of lavender, and when I got dirty in our sandy mess of a backyard, she'd smile at me with her sunglasses on, hair done up in a messy bun, and call me over to her. I'd go running, stumbling a little like all kids do, and as she kissed my little blonde curls she'd rub my hands right down in the lavender. I'd close my eyes and put my hands right up to my nose, smelling that deep lemony purple of the lavender plant.

I guess somewhere between stepping into my room and all the lavender reminiscing, I had closed my door and curled up into bed. It took me a while to fall asleep at night, no matter how early or how late I went, so I always tried to get a nap in after school. I plugged the charger into my phone, set it on silent, and laid it down right next to me.

My muscles relaxed even more, and I plunged into some sort of fantastic darkness.


End file.
